Pre-drinks (Picture: Getty)

The golden rule of stag parties is, quite properly, no ladies allowed; unless they're being paid to take their bra off – that's usually fine.

Countless questions have naturally accumulated because of women's exclusion from this famously mucky rite of passage, and the fairer sex's notoriously nosey nature.

metro illustrations What really happens on a stag do? Five men share their most shocking stories

And they simply need answering.

So, like a proper grown up scientific journal, Metro.co.uk meticulously gathered the ladies' most popular queries concerning stag dos, then put them to a rigorously vetted panel of blokes.

Who's on the panel?

  • Ollie, 27
  • Paul, 28
  • Rick, 30
  • Greg, 22
  • Ted, 27

All of whom necked several cans in the process.

The replies are (duh), somewhat on the NSFW spectrum.

Let's kick off with an easy one.

1. Why do men always abuse the groom on his stag do?

Blank canvas (Picture: Getty)

Ollie: 'Because we're all arseholes.'

Ted: 'It's true. Any excuse to be a c***.'

Rick: 'I reckon there's a sly homoerotic component to most stag nights. Like, the gang is upset it's never going to be properly intimate with the groom again, and subconsciously wants to punish him for giving himself to another.'

Paul: 'What?'

Greg: 'I get that, though weirdly it's only a straight guy thing. I went on a gay stag last year. There was none of the usual alpha-male bollocks. We just got pissed.'

Ollie: 'I reiterate, it's because we're all massive pricks. Next question.'

2. What does the bride's dad get up to?

On the sesh (Picture:Getty)

Paul: 'I asked the lads not to invite my father-in-law. He's a bit old-fashioned, I didn't think he'd enjoy the lad's craic. My best man obviously invited him anyway, to stitch me up.'

Ollie: 'See! All t**ts.'

Paul: 'But in the end he had a blast. One of the ushers gave him a cheeky bomb [of MDMA] at about midnight – consensually like – and he just talked and talked until sunrise about how much he loves his wife. Sweet really.'

Rick: 'Bless. My mate's father-in-law stuck his thumb up a lap dancer's arse.'

Ted: 'No.'

Rick: 'Straight up. She hardly batted an eyelid – it was that kind of place. He slipped her an extra fiver for her trouble. Said they used to do it all the time in the Navy.'

Greg: 'To each other…?'

Rick: 'Come to think of it, he never clarified.'

3. Is there such a thing as a quiet stag do?

Classic (Picture: Getty)

Ted: 'Yes. If the groom has s*** mates.'

Greg: 'What if he tells the missus it's an art gallery, or spa retreat, but really he's up to his elbows in strippers and gak?'

Paul: 'That's a dishonest footing to begin a lifetime of matrimony on.'

Rick: 'And anyway, isn't half the point of a stag do making the bride jealous? Like, you want to get smashed with your mates, but also you know after an anxious weekend alone she's definitely going to pull out all the stops in bed.'

Ted: 'That's if you can still get it up.'

Paul: 'What?'

Ted: 'Nothing.'

4. Do grooms actually cheat on their stag do?

Not what it looks like (Picture: Getty)

Rick: 'I have seen it happen.'

Ollie: 'Yup, me too.'

Greg: 'In general, it's only the kind of lads you'd expect that sort of behaviour from anyway. Not saying it's right, and if you're the best man or whatever, you need to step in and do something – otherwise how can you look the bride in the face? But that kind of guy; you can spot him a mile off. He shouldn't be getting married.'

Ted: 'What if you're just a random acquaintance there for the party – do you intervene?'

Paul: 'I've always fantasised about being the guy who blurts it out during the 'Does anyone have any lawful impediment?' bit of the wedding. Just imagine.'

Rick: 'That would really set the cat among the pigeons.'

Ollie: 'Carnage, mate.'

5. Do other guys on the stag party cheat? Oral, fondling, anything?

I won't tell if you don't (Picture: Getty)

Paul: 'Clearly we've struck a rich seam of questioning.'

Rick: 'To be fair, this feels a bit pot/kettle/black. When I was living in Brighton, I pulled my fair share of girls out on hen parties. They can't all have been single.'

Ted: 'Shall we just say 'yes' to mess with girl's heads?'

Greg: 'Agreed. 'Yes.''

Ollie: ''Yes.''

Paul: ''Yes.''

6. What games or activities make for a fun stag do?

Cool (Picture: Getty)

Paul: 'Organised fun is no fun at all. You girls keep your rustic-cockstraw-massage-selfie-flapper-makeover-retreat bulls***. We just want to get smashed.'

Ted: 'He's right. I'd immediately disown any mate who invited me to play pub golf on his stag.'

Rick: 'Let's just go and get wasted.'

Ollie: 'God yes.'

7. What's the worst thing you've seen on a stag do?

It gets worse (Picture: Getty)

Rick: 'Apart from an old bloke's thumb up a lap dancers arse?'

Ted: 'Me and my brother initiated a towel flicking contest at like 3am on his stag do. That might sound mild, but we've been flicking wet towels at each other since we were toddlers. We know our s***.'

Greg:'Yikes.'

Ted: 'A bunch of guys flaked out, so we ended up basically mutilating his best man. I swear, whole chunks of flesh were flayed off him. It was like Twelve Years A Slave. He was just too hammered and stubborn to back down.'

Greg: 'That's f***ed up.'

Ted: 'For real. He was a putrefying mess for weeks. Even on the wedding day, his fancy shirt kept bonding to the pus. The bride was livid.'

Paul: 'So it was all worth it?'

Rick: 'Absolutely.'

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